Tuesday, February 28, 2012

And here's where I end up during my studying intermission...

Although, to be honest, I'm not quite sure of my intentions. To write, no doubt, but what of? In between the slew of jumbled, numbered thoughts of bonds and finance...there's simply confusion. I feel like I'm avoiding feelings and trains of thoughts, but have no real motivation to stand them in line and analyze. On one hand, what for? There's barely time to deal with what life's throwing at me through school and work, let alone pretend I've the patience to attend to a meaningful personal life. Hell...I feel like I'm doing the bare minimum in every facet of reality these days. It's hard to see any reason to do otherwise...just that point of view worries me, yet I realize this...and simply shrug my shoulders, caterpillar in my blanket, and fall back asleep. Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow, I say, and push down the thoughts I want nothing more than to quell. Maybe tomorrow I won't feel numb when I think about these things or question decisions...maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and remember why I'm trying so hard.

Motivation...is so scarce lately. I'm not finding it anywhere - I've never had this issue before. I realize everything spewing from my fingertips is painting a picture of self-pity, but I really could not care less. I would normally worry about sounding weak, vulnerable, incapable...but I find myself nothing short of apathetic. Without a surety of my goals and intentions, what have you? Plans, upon plans, with no foreseeable end. It reeks of unwarranted efforts and that just dwindles my input to barely average attempts. My only real motivator is the fear of utter failure...and disappointing others. Not the best of instigators, but it's something.

On that note, I have another chapter to drill into my brain by later this morning.

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