Thanks to some wise, friendly prodding...

I've decided to leave my "snapshots" of my life as is. Disregarding the original intention to edit out my past sappy, naive thoughts - here's to you, my friend. I'm inclined to agree with your assessment. While I may look back and think, "Hey, yeah...naive romanticism? I'm done with you"...at the time I was perfectly happy and everything I felt was, in truth, as I portrayed it. While I might think those thoughts naive now, they were still a part of me and how I grew from my experiences. As you said, it was a part of my life - why edit my life? If nothing else, it will portray a frame of reference to show, I hope, growth.

I haven't written my thoughts in a long while. That always seems to be the phrase when I get back to blogging ..."it's been awhile". Why are my breaks so long, and my writings so sporadic? I think this stems from the simple fact that I use writing as an outlet. As such, much like the prayers of the desperate, my writings are a procreation of stress, extreme emotions, and hard times in my life. On the other hand, they're also a product of wonderful times in my life. I think the biggest factor would be extreme emotions - good or bad, they inspire me to put those feelings into words...almost as if my petite self simply isn't enough of a vessel to hold such strong feelings.

I was once told my blog seemed like a "stream of unfiltered, unfettered consciousness". I not only found that comment interesting, but was...flattered? I don't think that's quite the right descriptor for the emotion, but I found it an intriguing notion to point out. Perhaps because I always associated "blogging" with online journalling? Why would there be any other way to write? I suppose most people have the idea to go in and edit their thoughts...but a) I'm too lazy and b) why? Your thoughts come and go for a reason. If you have the compulsion to share them, then do! At least, that's how I feel. I'm generally proud of the things that my brain procures, though...I think pride is a problem of mine when it comes to writing or giving advice.

I can't decide if it's odd - my compulsion...nay, almost NEED, to mother and advise. If I don't have friends approaching me with their troubles, I feel as if I sometimes seek them out - simply to give them advice on it. Firstly, I love giving advice. I feel as though I'm able to take an objective viewpoint on most issues and offer something thought-provoking. I love knowing I helped my friends reach a conclusion or solution. When friends are sick, I can't help but bring soup or tea or berate them with "DRINK FUCKING LIME" adages. I feel a responsibility to help those I love whenever I see them less than par. I feel a responsibility to tell those I love when they're being idiots also. Is it odd that I crave to listen to others people's problems? I think my motherly compulsions are coupled with the fact that other's troubles distract me from my own stresses. I love that.

My own stresses...I'm having a hard time distinguishing between selfish and petty or warranted. I relish the idea of being my own adult - supporting myself, having my own place, but meanwhile contributing still to the family because HEY, responsibilities don't just disappear because you continue to grow. BUT! Every time I consider that...I can't help but feel selfish. I realize the dynamic of the age is for kids my age to be considered "adults" and ready to take on the world...but honest to God, some kids my age should REALLY be back at home with mom.

TANGENT? I keep writing every time as everytime....this needs to be fixed. STAT.

I feel as if I'm trying to swim as well as Phelps...in a pool of thick, fucking mud. TF?! For reference? Mud = confusion. Color me befuddled! In almost every aspect at this point. Let me make a handy list:

1. I no longer know if I want kids - whether they be my own or adopted...there's so much I want to do, and having already almost raised 6 of them? I'm not sure if I want to do that all over again...there's so little time! As incited as I may be to be there for others, selfless if you will, I'm still a selfish bitch at times. Let it be known!
2. I know I want to get married, but am wary of whether that will ever happen...I'm a hopeless romantic deep down and the beating of reality has humbled that part of me into near oblivion. To be continued...
3. If I call dreams a pipe dream, does that make me a pessimist? I always prided myself on being pragmatically optimistic (oxymoron? ...not that I really care...) - does choosing the most practical, lucrative career path (that I'm guaranteed to succeed at and have a love for) make me a pussy? I'd consider what I really dreamed of doing a pipe dream. Me? Broadway? Elphaba? SHIT. We all know it ain't gonna happen. If nothing else, accounting will set me up for any business oriented career I so choose...even planning! Singing and me? I don't think it was meant to be.
4. I'm not quite sure what will make me happy anymore.
5. More than anything else, I know I love my brothers and sisters more than anything else in this world...everything I consider revolves around that and leaves me wondering whether I'm running away or growing up, and if I owe them more than that if it's the latter...or...what?
6. I think I'm just going crazy and for all the "breaks" I claim I need...I'm not sure it's doing me any real benefit. I'm craving for the regime of a semester in session. I'm afraid I have no real grace under fire, except for maybe the semblance of keeping my head on straight, when in fact, I'm the personification of turmoil.

I think I have whatever disease is defined as "overly self-analyzing". I can't stop, and it keeps leading me into a circle of logic. I'm trying to integrate all points of views...but all I can come up with is I'm innately selfish...but with motherly tendencies? How is it I can handle confrontation on anyone else's behalf, but not mine? Hold up, let me backpedal a second - I handle my own fights sometimes, but generally only with other people. I'm not good at handling rows within my own family. I feel as if I've closed myself off the past couple of days - as if I'm slowly pulling into my shell, coming up with decisions on my own, and waiting for the right moment to spring them on everyone. I also feel like my mind is trying to repress these logic self-discussions as it sifts through them. I don't think that made any real sense, but hey, I tried.

I think insomnia is a byproduct of stress. I can't seem to escape it. Sleep sounds even more disgusting and horrid than normal. Disregarding the fact that sleep is a waste of time, I'm tip-toeing around the possibility of nightmares and oversleeping. Do you ever get to the point where you've stayed up so late, you might as well keep going? Because FUCK KNOWS that if you sleep JUST now? You're not getting up in time. No ifs, ands, or buts. Period. OH, period. You blessing/curse, YOU.

I hate when you NEED to cry, heaving and all, but there are just no tears left. 

Attention Passengers: We're headed into a little tumultuous turbulence...

Full of emotional turmoil seems to be the most apt description of the past week. I'd rather not go into details, but the crux of the matter is this: marriage plans are at an abrupt halt. There were no fouls in this game, folks, things are just coming to a crossroads, as things tend to do. To be continued...

On to lighter matters, yeah? Today I got a new phone! No longer will I be afflicted with that appendage we used to so fretfully fawn over: the Motorola Razor. I remember how badly everyone in high school HAD to have the razor...and I had the firefly. Oh, the days! Today I'm rollin' high with an Intensity II! I think I'll leave the beautiful iPhone to the rich kids and try not to be so distracted by it's greatness.

Right now I'm missing kickboxing and soccer. I really wish there was some way to fit those into my schedule during the semester, but it's amazing how quickly the time gets allotted! There will barely be time to eat and sleep! On a health-conscious note, I've GOT to get back into eating regularly and working out again...the cow is fast approaching! I've decided I'm determined to pour every last ounce of energy and focus into being just a BADASS student this semester. I'm going to kick that internship out of the water and ace every class, like an Asian BOSS. Boys, especially boys, I think, are going to have to be practically nonexistent over the next few months, if not longer...I've decided I deserve time to focus on ME and what I want. If I don't figure these things out now, I never will.

Saturday it rained! Normally I love the weather in summertime, but things were looking a little hellish the past few weeks. I've never been so excited to wake up to rain in my entire life. I woke up seized with a desire to go jump on a trampoline in the rain! Unfortunately, I've none available to me. Maybe next time. Today we were back up in the triple digits, but hey, I'm grateful for the smallest reprieve! Friday was a day of accomplishment as well! I finally nudged my way through the last few chapters of Onward. It was probably the most substantially inspiring book I've read. No vampires or magic involved. Simply economic distraught in national proportions and ethical, steely resolve. I should probably also notate the tremendous amount of love and hard work poured into Starbucks' transformation by its ceo; you could practically feel it emanating of the pages. Mr. Schultz is truly someone to look up to and be proud of.

Yesterday I started World War Z. I'm hooked. The way it's written took a little getting used to, but I'm learning to appreciate it. It's written in an after-the-fact historical approach. It's touching on thought-provoking issues I'd never connected to a zombie apocalypse and I can't get enough! I can't help but wonder what would happen if everything we depended on collapsed by morning- would I be prepared? What would I do? How would I keep my family protected? Who cares about boys at that point??? Hahahaha. Seriously though, I'm loving the book and trains of thoughts I'm riding out with it. Go get a copy.

In even lighter news, this video has kept me continually amused this weekend.

It was hard enough to stop reading to even get to reporting on my insignificantly important doings, and I can't stop looking at my book with desire...my eyes are starting to get whiplash. So that's it today, folks. Until next Sunday, and another mundane update on a random life. What fun!

Perhaps on a weekly basis?

Considering my weekdays seem to produce small, frivolous amounts of free time, I've decided a weekly catch up will have to suffice. This evening's narration is being jotted down to the sweet, slow melody of Anna Nalick. Wreck of the Day has been a soothing factor in my days of late.

Lately I've been craving pho, trampoline jumping, and the ocean. I've also been feeling a compulsiveness to begin planning my wedding as if there's no tomorrow. Carrying my wedding journal/notes/magazines around with me everywhere I go has become something of a habit. I've even created a new blog to devote to these months of planning ahead of me. It's in the making, but as soon as I've posted, I'll give you guys the link! As of right now, the man is saving up for the "real" proposal and we're thinking things will get exciting once we've graduated from UTD.

Tomorrow I will have my pho! Tomorrow I will also be driving a one ton van around Dallas. Exciting? Yes. Scary? Hell yes. Horrifying to others? Undoubtedly. But, sadly, our MAV is seeming more dependable than my jeep. Lately, it's intermittently decided to stop responding to the gas pedal, as if to say "NO! Gas Pedal! I'm no longer your bitch, so THERE!" ...except in this case THERE leaves me blinking my hazards in Dallas traffic 3 lanes away from an exit. Oh, and random BMW driver, I apologize for being such an inconvenience in my hazardous state. Next time I'll try not to get into an exit lane as you so hurriedly swerve through lanes while on your cell phone. Please, oh please, swerve onto the shoulder and avoid my car because I'm going too slow for you...I'd really appreciate not dying today, you know, if you don't mind?

Other than my poor, old POS, things are moving along, as they do. School, I so suddenly realized, is about two weeks away! I started hyperventilating the other night; I'm usually prepared by now! This weekend has been filled with finding books and funds. Good news? I got awarded the Dean Transfer Scholarship from UTD! Down side? About half my books are still eluding me, but I will prevail! Also, I'm just about finished with Onward. Now I just need to squeeze in the other 12 books I have checked out. One every other day ought to do it, right? Today was just full of good news! I was also notified that I won $35 to Mary Kay and a pamper session. Just when I needed makeup and am feeling gross? Thanks, fate, I needed that, actually. Inspired by my lucky day, mom had me pick up every lottery ticket I felt like. Hell, why not?

Yesterday was the Allen Stake Youth Softball Tournament. Karl and I crashed and it was spectacular! I haven't had so much fun in ages. 2nd base is definitely where it's at, ya'll. Also, I'm proud to say, I only hit one foul ball before getting myself two bases in! Take that, you loud obnoxious teenage boys. Speaking of, I'd forgotten just how loud AND obnoxious high school boys are...ay yiyi!  Another accomplishment of the day? A little sunshine!!! That's probably the second or third time I've been out all summer...not including our 630am runs to the community pool. Which, now that I think about it, might just be a jinx for my car...that's where the flat occurred and where we pushed the jeep home from this morning. Food for thought, eh?

In other news, a friend of mine has decided that I'd be the perfect martial artist star in his zombie-apocalypse film project. Well, why the hell not?!? If things work out, some crazy famous producer/director will see it and be so impressed I never have to worry about money again. Yes, I think I could dig that. This web show will be a year in the making, beginning in October. I'll keep the updates coming.

I wonder what a CFO actually does...

Inspired by a chapter in Onward, I went to Kroger and bought a bag of Starbuck's ground Pike Place Roast. Which, I might add, is delicious. Doesn't get you going as fast as the Breakfast Blend though. Anyways, and GOODNESSGRACIOUS, I felt like a kid again when I saw this: once you drink up a bag of roast, guess what?! You get a free drink at Starbuck's! You know that adrenaline rush, fueled by sugary goodness, that you get once you've reached the end of the cereal box and get the prize? Or not sugar-fueled, for those who were master's and just flipped the stupid box over...not quite as satisfying though; I tried it a couple times. I literally jumped and squealed. I'm about 2 cups away as of Friday! I haven't had a chance to grab Starbuck's in a few weeks now and GOOD LORD am I ready. I also feel like bowling.

I kind of feel like hiking a mountain and canoeing to a nice fishing hole. I just want to be outside, soaking up the sun and doing exciting things! Like zip lining! Or...bungee jumping? I miss the Renaissance Faire. I'm proud to be able to say this is the first year I've missed it though. One day I'll be rich and never miss anything! Oh money, you devilish fiend.

Alas, today I'm just too tired/lazy/unambitious and won't be filling this post with lovely pictures. Maybe next time. Good day, world. Have a lovely week!

Sporadic, indeed, are these ramblings

Before I jumpstart them again, how about a little catching up?

I'm no longer a librarian, sad day. What I am now is an intern! Come September, that'll be upgraded to Audit Intern. Getting goosebumps yet? I've also officially graduated from Collin and am enrolled at UTD for the Fall. I've decided, for the time being, to get a double major in Accounting/Finance and aspire to be accepted into the PPA (Professional Program of Accounting) offered at the university. This entails a very specific course schedule, and if all goes according to plan, an 8 week internship with a large firm during the Spring of my Senior year. From there, I'll ride that fast track to a Master's and CPA certification by Spring 2014! Can I just say how great it feels to have a plan in place? The only depressing caveat is the idea of funding these plans...but one day at a time.

Working & Colorful!

How is this new job you ask? Because it is a job, no doubt. I haven't the luxury of pouncing on any old internship available. Paid is the way, my dears, and paid I shall be! The internship/job/paid-state-of-being is going swell, actually. While I dreaded leaving the library and it's student-friendly flexibility, I was ambitious to go after, obtain, and kick ass at a "real job"! Interviews were many, as well as interesting interviewers. As luck would have it, the very inspiration for pursuing an internship at this point in my college career was also my rainbow paved path to the pot of gold. Let's briefly reminisce:

Christmas of 2010 found my family at Karl's home, frolicking with friends of his family and a tasty turkey. There I met one of his mom's best friends, Ruth Vail, and her husband, Michael. He's an accountant with his own firm, you say? Fate has played a very ripe card in my favor. Like a good little student, I immediately used the chance to ask for advice/wisdom/anything. At the time I still wasn't 100% sure if I was headed in the right direction. Mike's sage advice was to look for an internship early in my college career to help make myself sure of it: who wants to use four years of their life in pursuit of a job you'll hate yourself for later? That night I resolved to find an internship for the following summer, and so I did.

From the moment I left my interview, I was confident that this opportunity was one I couldn't pass up. After countless interviews, and a one week stint as a mere assistant, my efforts were seeming fruitless. I finally got a hold of Mike and made an appointment. Thankfully, he and his partner were both supportive and very interested in a good investment, and I have a job that's more than I ever expected. Not only is the environment in the office a cordial and professional one, but everyone is patient and willing to help me learn. This has been a priceless facet of my worklife at Vail & Knauth, LLP. I actually feel like I'm getting hands-on experience that will help me wherever I go, be it Finance, Accounting, or simply Business. Also, the folks here are just as student-friendly as on-campus employment. So yes, I must say I rather like my job. 

GROSS, I know...

A regrettable side effect of having a glamorous Dallas job, is that I've now become a "traffic problem". Before a moment of enlightenment yesterday, I'd merely complained about being in traffic. Kelley, one of my new coworkers, opened my eyes! It would seem, being a part of traffic myself, I contribute to the issue. Damn her logic! Needless to say, being "a part" of Dallas traffic has turned me into a more selfish, cynical driver. I'm less inclined to be gracious to those trying to squeeze in and have become paranoid that everyone wants to cut me off. Thank you Dallas Drivers for making me less naive. Fools. Because of this, I prefer to just work my cute little butt off until later in the evening; my little suburbia heaven seems eons away when fighting traffic to get there.

As for more recent news...

Tuesday was Karl's birthday! The love of my life is now 22 and a working man! Want to see the hero in action? Take a walk down footwear lane at Academy: he's killer in them khakis, folks. I'm also proud to say, given my perpetually limited budget, I gave him the best birthday present imaginable! With it came a once in a lifetime proposition, and my ulterior motives brought to light. My man is now effectively invisible to vultures of the female variety and shall never die of thirst. Game on, girls!

Alas, my thoughts are forced to a standstill for now. My stomach is in charge of priorities around here and is highly peeved at the moment. Dinnertime! Until later, my darlings, and enjoy the rest of your weekend! Tomorrow's game plan? Some Daniel Craig bamfness, if you please :]

Oh yeah...and I wear glasses now.

It's been a year!

I finally got around to updating my blog...I think it's gorgeous now! I love green, indeed. After all this readjusting to the world of the Blog, I'm exhausted and about to dither off to bed. Just wanted to throw in a little headsup: I'm back!