How was my afternoon, you ask?

Pretty horrible. Forgive my frankness, but the monthly curse is imminent, making all my woes that much more crisis-level-worthy. I misjudged just how "empty" my empty light meant on my gas tank, ran some errands for my boss, and my car died on my on the frontage. I was able to throw it in neutral and swing into a miraculously empty parking lot. I had a random gallon of gas in the back and dumped that sucker in, thankful for the fact that my boss will occasionally front me a few bucks in gas - the closest station was right next to the office, maybe a mile or so away. I'm 100 yards from the fucking station when my engine putters out again. So, I snag my gas container, hustle across traffic in my heels and fill it up. When I get back, I realize my side window, which I'd rolled down so as not to use A/C, decided to die with my jeep and refuses to be put back in place. Not only that - when I'm in this annoyingly dire situation, BMW bitches decide I need to be continually honked at...as if my hazard lights weren't enough indication that I've no control over the situation. Excuse me, misses, for being such an obstacle in your beach-blonde, orangutan-orange-tanned day.

"How terrible it is to love something that Death can touch." -Albus Dumbledore

"Cough Syrup"

Young The Giant

Life's too short to even care at all oh

I'm losing my mind, losing my mind, losing control

These fishes in the sea they're staring at me oh oh

Oh oh oh oh

A wet world aches for a beat of a drum

Oh

If I could find a way to see this straight

I'd run away

To some fortune that I should have found by now

I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down, come down

Life's too short to even care at all oh

I'm coming up now coming up, now out of the blue

These zombies in the park they're looking for my heart

Oh oh oh oh

A dark world aches for a splash of the sun oh oh

If I could find a way to see this straight

I'd run away

To some fortune that I should have found by now

And so I run now to the things they said could restore me

Restore life the way it should be

I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down

Life's too short to even care at all oh

I'm losing my mind losing my mind losing control 

If I could find a way to see this straight

I'd run away

To some fortune that I should have found by now

So I run now to the things they said could restore me

Restore life the way it should be

I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down

One more spoon of cough syrup now

With a week where this song is its soundtrack, I've had better. Every time I feel I'm figuring out just what I want to strive after...I'm thrown into a circle of conflicting logic. One goal rises above the rest, but I can't lie and say the prospect of working towards it isn't daunting. I'm starting to think this lost feeling is a permanent one. I'm giving more credit to the idea that love doesn't just make everything better. It's a nice buffer, but it can't really conquer all, can it? How I convinced myself it was ever that easy, I've no idea. Naive as ever, I suppose. Somehow, I think I've just proven myself unworthy of its grace - I should really set my heart on something else, but it feels out of my control. Can I just sleep, sleep, sleep until all these thoughts, people, and feelings just disappear? Please? How about it?

So much for studying.

And here's where I end up during my studying intermission...

Although, to be honest, I'm not quite sure of my intentions. To write, no doubt, but what of? In between the slew of jumbled, numbered thoughts of bonds and finance...there's simply confusion. I feel like I'm avoiding feelings and trains of thoughts, but have no real motivation to stand them in line and analyze. On one hand, what for? There's barely time to deal with what life's throwing at me through school and work, let alone pretend I've the patience to attend to a meaningful personal life. Hell...I feel like I'm doing the bare minimum in every facet of reality these days. It's hard to see any reason to do otherwise...just that point of view worries me, yet I realize this...and simply shrug my shoulders, caterpillar in my blanket, and fall back asleep. Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow, I say, and push down the thoughts I want nothing more than to quell. Maybe tomorrow I won't feel numb when I think about these things or question decisions...maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and remember why I'm trying so hard.

Motivation...is so scarce lately. I'm not finding it anywhere - I've never had this issue before. I realize everything spewing from my fingertips is painting a picture of self-pity, but I really could not care less. I would normally worry about sounding weak, vulnerable, incapable...but I find myself nothing short of apathetic. Without a surety of my goals and intentions, what have you? Plans, upon plans, with no foreseeable end. It reeks of unwarranted efforts and that just dwindles my input to barely average attempts. My only real motivator is the fear of utter failure...and disappointing others. Not the best of instigators, but it's something.

On that note, I have another chapter to drill into my brain by later this morning.

I think I'll start posting my writings...

And until I start writing again, here's the beginning of a slew of old stuff. This one, The Change, I read last semester at a UPC. It was beyond exhilarating!

The Change

I'm confused by this feeling

Lacking strength scares me

Not feeling in control numbs me

I'm confused by these feelings

I feel like I'm in the middle of

an intricate puzzle

with no way to solve it

as if the keystone

is just out of reach

as if I'm missing

the obvious solution

I'm scared of not being loved

more afraid than I'm willing

to admit

I don't want to be alone

but feel unable to trust

in another's intentions any longer

I miss feeling as if I was in

my own fairytale

I miss feeling certain

The Change is beginning

to intimidate me

and I'm scared

I'm scared.

I'm scared

And it's consuming me

That frightens me

even more

I've been watching love sour

and writhe

as it's colored a shade of resentment

I've been feeling love ebb

into a semblance of apathy

tinged, fringed with guilt

I've been regarding love

as the most surreal experience

because the fear of its sting

has warped my ability to accept it

I've developed a fear

that I can't be loved

as I dreamed of being loved

I've developed a fear

that my misguided notions of love

were cultivated

through naive and unrealistic eyes

that my examples of love were lies

I'm scared of my growing, infectious 

cynical ideas of love

Yet...I see no escape.

When did I develop a knack for this?

I was recently told that I'm quite adept at pushing others away. I'll find a perfectly rational, logical reason to explain why I shouldn't do something or be near to someone...and poof. They're out of my life and I move on - I've justified it to myself, left myself nearly blameless and I move on. I find ways to paint myself as the martyr, or the one to know better...I'm starting to wonder if this fickle defense mechanism of mine is something that should be dealt with - and how. It's hard for me to imagine finding what I want in life when this is how I react to the thought of anything long term. Once I get to that point in my train of thought, I usually bury myself into work or school or a book that colors a picture of adventure and love - one I wish I could simply dive into, with the words already stipulating what I'm desperately searching for. Adventure...there are so many trips I want to take and risky things I want to try. I keep debating whether or not these are things I want to explore independently or not. There's something to be said about accomplishing something significant on your own. I feel like I'm in a stage of self-discovery to be afforded that ideal of independence. Anything contrary to that ideal gives me a feeling of claustrophobia - I feel nothing short of stifled and almost panicked. Once I recognize that feeling, I can't help but berate and detach myself from situations. I'm trying to curb that cataclysmic habit - it'll be the detriment to my finding any happiness in the long haul.